My Grey legged Ox

My grey legged ox
with its beatiful bell
I loved to hear its toll
My friend stole the bell
Still attached to the ox

© nathan jones mcmxcvi

Lady Godiva

There was a young lady called Godiva,
Who thought she'd lost her horse
Delighted squeals revealed the eels between her legs
but when she looked down
It was actually her horse, Muff Diver.

© nathan jones mmvii

Artychrist

HP sauce

I tried to download some software for a printer. With no luck, I decided to contact the company about the issue. They have this funny web site talk thingy. I 'chatted' with 'Terry' about the issue. After some time, I was no closer to a solution. Some time later, I received an email transcript of my 'conversation'.


Chat Transcript Begins Here
--------------------------------------------------------------

Terry
Hello Nathan


Terry
Welcome to HP Total Care for All-in-One Products, My name is Terry. How may I help you today?


Terry
Are you with me online? Please respond soon, as a delay in response may disconnect our chat session.


nathan Jones
hello!


nathan Jones
this doesn't work very well on a mac...


Terry
I am sorry to hear that.


Terry
It would be helpful if you could give me a detailed description of the problem and the exact status. This would help me assist you better.


nathan Jones
I am attempting to download the software for the 2575 for mac os x. the download is saying it will take 2 days!


nathan Jones
the file is called: 2570_790_en - is this the right software for mac os x 10.4?


Terry
It seems to be the issue is with the software part.


Terry
I am afriaid to inform you that we are not technically trained in MAC platform.


Terry
I am afraid, at present HP does not offer CHAT Support for this product in the Macintosh OS environment. However, you can avail full support in the Macintosh environment through our phone support teams. You can call them @ 800-HP-INVENT or 800-474-6836. These service engineers are Macintosh OS specialists and would be able to help you over the phone. This is available 24/6 (except Sundays) and is a free service. We apologize for the inconvenience and look forward to assisting you. We also offer e-mail support for MAC OS. You can contact our email support at: http://h20180.www2.hp.com/apps/Nav? h_pagetype=email&h_lang=en&h_cc=us&h_product=236252&lc=en&cc=us


nathan Jones
is that a New Zealand phone number?


Terry
No , it is of US.


nathan Jones
I am in New Zealand and cannot call a US 800 number - it will not work.


Terry
Please wait I will give you the New zealand number.


nathan Jones
thank you


Terry
Thank You for your time.


Terry
Technical support, repair and warranty cover 0800 441 147 Monday - Friday 9:00am - 9:00pm Saturday - Sunday: CLOSED http://www.hp.co.nz/contactus/consumer.asp


Terry
Is there any thing else i can assist you today?


nathan Jones
No, I just had a simple download question. Why are the hp servers so slow?


Terry
Please contact us again if you require any further assistance. Our exclusive Owner Services will help keep all of your HP and Compaq products up and running. Please visit our Web site at: http://www.hp.com/home/ownerservices


Terry
Are you using dial up internet connection?


nathan Jones
no, broadband. all other downloads are fine


Terry
Nathan, HP full feature software is a big software, it will take time to download.


nathan Jones
yes, but it says 2 days!


nathan Jones
it has taken over 30 minutes to download the first 1mb


Terry
I request you to please contact our phone support for further info.


Terry
Please contact us again if you require any further assistance. Our exclusive Owner Services will help keep all of your HP and Compaq products up and running. Please visit our Web site at: http://www.hp.com/home/ownerservices


Terry
Thank you for using HP Total Care and providing us an opportunity to serve you through Real-Time Chat.




--------------------------------------------------------------
Chat Transcript Ends Here

Look Around You

The more astute of you… WAKE UP! will notice the new category of ridiculous. If you press this button, you will discover all things ridiculous that reside on the web.

It's just RIDICULOUS!

Starting with…

Moustache

I shaved off my beard. It wasn't really a beard. I didn't cultivate it. It was just the result of inaction with an overpriced stick of plastic with some sharp bits in it.

I have always been curious as to what I'd look like with a 'Nick Mason'. If you've ever seen Pink Floyd's Live in Pompeii you'll know what I mean. So, now I know. I look like Nick Mason circa 1972. I don't know what else I expected, really.

The tash felt good. There was a slightly odd 'wind drag' effect as I descended stairs. My smooth chin felt cold and felt as if it was deflecting the air onto the rough 'drops' of my new tash. I'd be interested to explore the theory in a wind tunnel.

Here are a few famous drop bar tashes. have I missed anyone?

Nick Mason - Pink Floyd



Lemmy - Motorhead



Also, Echoes, Part 1 - see the Nick Mason moustache in action!



Derek Smalls from Spinal Tap



I don't think this strictly counts myself…

I'm just nipping to the shops…

I nip out to buy an alphabet stencil and a number stamper.

I am wearing an old T shirt, scruffy shorts and a pair of trainers that a previous girlfriend's puppy chewed up. The shoes barely stay on, but I love them and can't bring myself to throw them away. They are my lucky shoes. I wore them when I broke my ankle. We have history. I am also wearing a beard and anarchaic hair (the revolution starts on the top of my head).
I bump into a couple of friends having a 'meeting' in the sun at the local bar. Of course, I join the meeting for a quick beer. It would've been a waste of some beautiful sunshine to be scouring away in a stuffy stationers (although some of you may be aware of my stationery fetish). I did then attempt to buy rubber stamps afterwards, but they were bum clenchingly expensive. I decided to make my own potato cutouts that would work just as effectively - although I will have to carve new ones every two days as the potatoes shrivel up. I find really cheap stencils in the Kitchen Shoppe. They are perfect. I also by a lenticular address book with some guy with a beard and a 3D flock of sheep around him.

I get a telephone call from my friend James and we meet outside the shop. The sun has moved to the other side of the road and we ensconce ourselves there with a cold beer. A japanese lady comes by with a bag full of magnetic rocks, squeaking ducks with frog tongues, barking dogs with red flashing eyes and crappy fake flowers. I am feeling expansive and, with the help of everyone sitting outside the bar, choose a neon green fan with a pair of magpies in the motif. I give the fan to the new barmaid. She is surprisingly touched.

James and I attempt to play pool. The Championship's League second semi final is on. AC Milan are whipping Man U 2-0. The pub is completely rammed. Thankfully, Be @ 1, the typographical nightmare of a bar is over the road. We have some fabulous cocktails. I keep forgetting how friendly it is here and how good the cocktails are. People we know are coming and going. One of the old bar team is in there - I haven't seen him for a year and a half. He gives us shots on the house…

Later, we have a quick game of pool, but due to the football being on TV, the lights are hoisted to the ceiling and look like a ladies skirt hoisted to climb stairs. It is dark. Being on yellow balls has a distinct advantage over the novelty dark blue ones.

Before leaving the bar, I get involved in a rant with a girl from Middlesborough. She has a bone to pick with me and it is about Kate Moss.

Anyway, we end up in Inigo. It is a quiet night at Inigo as it is a Wednesday, which means you still can't hear each other speak, but at last you can walk to the toilets without suffocating in sprayed on tan cleavage, or suffer carpet burns from nylon dresses.

I am half cut, but I get home victorious. It is a full 12 hours later, but I have stencils.

Liverpool v Chelsea

Pushkin and I settled down to watch the Championship League semi final of Liverpool versus Chelsea.

Pushkin bit her claws down to the cuticles as the game went into an extra time cliffhanger, and then penalty shoot out. Liverpool came through and will play AC Milan, or Manchester United. I'm hoping Man U. get through myself, but either game should be fun.

Come on you Reds!!!